Three Pink Pills / So Beautiful  

I shake three pills into my hand
And down them
And I think of the sickness
Then I close my eyes
I feel as though I'm driving again
And it’s so, beautiful

I see the winter sky lights
And the road is an ink spill running down a slanted desk
The row of street lights is a highway in the sky
And I am in a sepia movie
It’s the driving scene

I am in moments like mood illustrations

I feel
A surreal beauty washing over me
Rushing in
I feel like I can breathe deeper
My lungs are so full even to the bottom
And they’re stretching out
Absorbing all the oxygen
Every healthy particle
My blood is getting redder, richer
I feel it rushing through my veins and swelling up my loins

I breathe again
Deep through my mouth and savor it
Pulling the air in with my lips
I hold it
Hold it
Hold it
I tighten my grip on the wheel as I drive
And I'm looking back up at the sky
At the golden light that filters through the clouds
The silver light
The grey, grey, grey
And it’s so beautiful

I'm washing dishes
My hands, lukewarm in the water
I pull the plug
The water is trickling down my arm as I reach for the towel
I lean over the sink
Mesmerized by the murk of the water, the oil slicks, melding together
Moving pictures, chrome is growing, sinking water
I wait leaning over
I'm waiting for the spiral and the slurp, slurp, suck
And when it’s gone I'm still not moving

I am suddenly aware that there are lights on
I hear music again
And the baby needs a bottle but I am standing there
It’s so beautiful

I'm on a boat deck (at the front)
The wind is blowing through my hair
And I'm leaning on the guard rail
One fat curl draped across my nose
I look through it at the whitecaps breaking on the shore
As the boat speeds toward the beach
And there’s a man standing on the cliffs
Lit by a torch, he’s blowing on a conch shell

I breathe, stare out
There are people all around me, dancing laughing
My hands are tight around the rails 'cause I think I might fall in
I can see it happening in my mind
I'm sinking, my hair is fanning in the water and I'm sinking, sinking
And then I'm falling off the cliffs, as I'm standing on the boat deck
Looking out at the man, at the light, at the cliff
And it’s so beautiful
It’s all so beautiful and I don’t blink for what feels like minutes
But maybe it was seconds
And now that I'm aware
I'm so sad
And that’s beautiful

I take another sip of water
Feel the pills like lumps move down my throat
I close my eyes
I’m in my old apartment now
Sitting on the yellow shag, looking up at the meringue plaster ceiling
Watching Baraka with my friends
We’re drinking hot chocolate with chilies and cinnamon
I’m telling them, while they slurp and savor and lick their lips and finger tips
That what I did while they were waiting
Was press my lips to the windowpane
Blow hot on the glass and savor the crisp cold on the tip of my nose
I tell them that I pressed my thumb to that frost ‘til it was numb cold
‘Till the frost was a water thumbprint
I bit my thumb then, hard, I say, as I watched the crystals grow back

The diamond on my friends tooth glints
And her husband smoothes the pleats of his kilt
And they say together, “Ah, Ok”

I’m in that beautiful flood a little now
‘Cause this scene is reflected in the TV
I am standing by the red couch, a bottle of pills in my hand
It’s brighter than me by the lamp light
And it’s so beautiful, I’m going to keep it

© 2007 Corine Demas